This post has been on my mind for quite a while. I have debated on whether to share it or not for a number of reasons. I will try to explain as I go. This is a hard post to share because it focuses on struggle. It focuses on my imperfections. I try to be a light for people because I know there are so many Negative Nelly’s out there. I do this even when I am not feeling so light. You know how people say to put a smile on your face when you don’t feel like it because soon you will feel like it? It works. Sometimes. Other times, you need a little help to make that happen.
I started having some random issues in the summer of 2016 – fatigue, foggy brain, slight weight gain, excessive sweating, super heavy periods (sorry for the TMI, guys!), trouble falling/staying asleep, worrying, crying randomly… among others. Of course, I just thought it was a phase at first. I HAD had a lot of changes recently. Then it persisted. I tried adjusting my diet. I tried changing up my exercise routine. I tried getting 9-10 hours of sleep per night. I went to the doctor and had my thyroid functioning tested twice. Nothing. All they said was I was perfectly healthy. All my levels were normal or better. They didn’t know what to tell me. But I KNEW something was off. That wasn’t normal for me at all.
At the beginning of 2017, I decided to do the Ultimate Reset to really shock my system. I felt a LOT better after completing this, but something was still off. I did my own research – you know Dr. Google. But I found a lot of interesting things. I made an appointment and went back to the doctor. I told them I was still having a lot of the same symptoms. I asked if they thought it could be mental and possibly depression and/or anxiety. She agreed that she thought it could be and asked my thoughts on medication. I was willing to try anything. She started me on the lowest dose possible because we both agreed that my symptoms weren’t severe enough to warrant anything else. I’m so thankful for my healthy diet and exercise routine because without them, I would have been much worse off. So I waited…
Slowly, I started feeling normal again. I realized one day that I hadn’t cried in a while. The worrying was controllable. I was finally feeling rested. I felt like I could function. The only thing that didn’t stop was the weight gain, which I realize now is probably because of the medication. So I had a handle on my mild depression and anxiety, but I was still struggling. Gaining weight in my line of work is not something that is acceptable, right?
So here I am. About 20 pounds heavier than my “ideal” weight where I felt the most confident. And it sucks. Even though I know the scale doesn’t define me. It still sucks. However, ever since starting the 80 Day Obsession, I am seeing HUGE changes and feeling better than ever. I might struggle with losing because of medication side effects, but I will not let it be an excuse. I will get fully back to me regardless of what it takes. And I am, slowly.
I want to make it clear that this was not difficult to write because I am embarrassed of my anxiety and depression. It was difficult because I know there are so many people who struggle much more with it than I do. I felt like mine wasn’t notable. I had no reason to feel depressed or anxious. But it’s not something I could help. I know that. I have a degree in psychology after all. I know it is not something I can help, but I didn’t want to take the struggle away from those who are much worse than me. Silly, but true.
If there is one thing I know, it is that sometimes it is just having the strength to share that makes others feel like they are a little more normal and that they are not alone. If I can reach just one person who is dealing with this, then I know I have done something big. Winter in my region is the worst time for most people with these issues because it is dull and gray most days, which is why I chose to share this today. Most times, I posted motivational quotes because I needed them – not because I thought others did. Just know that there are other people out there who may look like they have it all together, but are struggling too. You are not alone. You matter.
This is my life. I’m going to own it like a rockstar. The good and the bad. And whatever else comes my way.